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By The Sports Gal
Editor's Note: Before the 2006 season, Bill Simmons wondered if there was any rhyme or reason to picking football games and raised the question, "could I pick football games better than someone who didn't know anything?" So he asked his wife (the Sports Gal) to pick games as well, just to see who would finish with a better record. She agreed, but only if he would give her space in each column to rant about any subject of her choice. Here are her rants from the 2006 season.
There's a new commercial where Lindsay Lohan claims that she uses Proactiv a few times a week for healthy skin. This made me laugh because she lives at the Chateau Marmont and probably gets a facial and massage every other day. Also, this girl can't even show up on a movie set on time, now I'm supposed to believe she remembers to take her Proactiv every day? I don't think anyone who's famous or wealthy should be able to go on TV and endorse skin products unless they divulge the other "keys" to their beauty routine, like acne extractions every week, microderm abrasion two times a month, two facials a week and La Mer moisturizing products at $200 a pop. These celebrities spend at least $2,000 a month keeping their skin "healthy." In Lindsay's case, she's a chain smoking, club hopping tramp who spends her spare time getting tanning sessions, shopping and forgetting to eat. She's going to look like a leather purse in 25 years no matter how much Proactiv she takes. She should have to mention that too. I hate that commercial.
Last Saturday afternoon I took our daughter to La Cienega Park in Beverly Hills. There was a kid's soccer game going on and I noticed a big circle of paparazzi crunching around two people. So we moved towards them and it was Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes! The first thing I noticed was that they were the same height he must have been wearing lifts and either she was wearing flats or he had her ankles removed. No way they're the same height. His hips were five inches higher than her hips. But I ended up feeling really bad for them. The photographers were literally two feet from their face and moving as they moved. They just wanted to watch his kid's soccer game.
Then I was thinking about Katie and what her life is like she just lost the baby weight and probably still feels fat all the time, but every time she leaves her house, she has to look good enough to be photographed from two feet away. This would drive me nuts and now I understand why most female celebrities end up being nuts. No wonder Kate Bosworth hasn't eaten since 2003. I also felt bad for the other kids in the game. They're just trying to play soccer and then 40,000 photographers show up. That's not fair. All the celeb kids should be forced to play in celeb youth leagues so normal kids can play soccer in peace. Celeb kids are just going to be screwed up adults some day, it's not like they have a chance. Normal kids do.
Anyway, I felt bad for Tom and Katie for two days until Bill showed me how they were sitting in the front row of the Redskins game and obviously hoping to get shown on TV over and over again. Now I'm wondering if they alerted the paparazzi ahead of time about the soccer game. They probably did. I hate Hollywood. We need to get out of here.
US Weekly has a feature called "Who Wore it Best?" where 100 people in NYC choose between side by side photos of two celebs wearing the same outfits, then the results run in the magazine. I hate this feature because the judges have no credentials and could be homeless or Russian for all we know. Bill loves it because he said they used the same process in "Card Sharks." But I think US Weekly is already responsible for enough eating disorders. Now female celebs have to feel bad because they didn't wear an outfit as well as someone who had better posture or bigger breasts? Last week Ashlee Simpson (who's really pretty I think) lost by a 2 to 1 margin to Heidi from the Hills (who's an airhead and a skeleton). Like Ashlee needed to feel worse about herself. It's bad enough to be caught wearing the same clothes as a bimbo with no work ethic, they didn't need to rub it in.
US is so desperate for vote offs, they don't care if the outfits are the same anymore. Last week Meadow Soprano had a red dress with an empire waist and went against the girl from "Crash," who had a shorter cream dress with a different waist. I think that's cheating. Instead of forcing vote offs, why not open it up to male celebrities as well? Oh wait, that can't work because female celebs can't feel bad about themselves this way. But what really made me mad was The Rock's wife losing 86 percent to 14 percent to Charlize Theron. She's not even a celebrity!!!! Yeah like that was ever going to be close. If Bill were famous and Charlize trounced me by a landslide in US Weekly, I'd never attend another red carpet event and probably wouldn't leave the house anymore. Although I guess I'd be kind of psyched that I was in the magazine. I don't know. Either way, I think US Weekly owes Mrs. The Rock an apology.
I was all happy Wednesday night because I thought "Lost" was starting. But no, ABC was showing one of those stupid clip shows instead. We watched everything the first time, now we have to sit through highlights? Our TiVo recorded it like it was a new "Lost," when it wasn't new and we have our settings turned to "first run shows only." TiVo should have another setting: "No clips shows please." But that's not what bothers me. It bothers me that people who didn't stick with the show from Day 1 get rewarded by being able to catch up in one hour. I stuck with the show for two years, you didn't watch one show, now you watched a clip show and we're both caught up? That isn't fair. It's like TV cliff notes.
Bill said it wasn't a big deal because it's a way for shows to lure new viewers. I don't agree. He complains all the time about everyone who jumped on the Red Sox bandwagon after they won the World Series every time he sees someone in a brand new hat he makes a face, and he won't let me wear my orange Sox hat, he'll stick it down his pants and throw it in the garbage so I won't want to wear it. But how's that different than people jumping on the "Lost" bandwagon? I feel like it's the same. We need to ban clip shows, they're not real shows, they reward lazy bandwagon people and penalize real fans. I'm going to keep wearing my orange Red Sox hat until Bill admits I'm right.
Bill and his friend Hench own a fake baseball team together. I call it the League of Dorks. It's hard to say how much time they spend on it, but I'd guess five hours a week, maybe more. Hench is one of Bill's nicest friends, but he's even nuttier about this stuff than Bill. One time, I peeked over Bill's shoulder as he was reading a bullet pointed e mail from Hench about their fake team. It was like a legal document, I couldn't believe it. Hench used to leave messages and not identify himself, you'd just hear, "message No. 1" and then Hench complaining about something that happened Pandora UK Sale with their fake team. He wouldn't even say, "Hey, guys, this is Hench" first. So I made Bill get a second phone line just for Hench's calls they call it the "Bat Phone." I can't believe I married someone who needed a second phone line to talk about a fake baseball team.
You'd think the extra line was enough, but no. A couple of weeks ago, Bill and I were driving home from somewhere and trying to figure out something. Bill said, "I bet Hench knows," and before I knew it, he was calling Hench and they were talking about the League of Dorks. And I was trapped in the car listening to them. It was like being at the nail salon when everything's quiet and relaxing, then something happens and the nail ladies all start screaming in another language. I have no idea what they're talking about, but they're agitated and talking in annoying voices and it's not relaxing at all. That's what Bill and Hench sounded like. Actually, this was worse because I can understand the language and still can't understand them. Finally, I got mad and told Bill to hang up or I was going to jump out of the car.
This week, I noticed playoff baseball started, so I asked Bill, "What happened with the League of Dorks?" Bill said they won first prize. He didn't even seem happy about it. He was just relieved that they didn't lose. Then he said he's having a celebratory lunch with Hench next week. I said they should order a bottle of fake champagne and fake pour it on each other. I hate the League of Dorks.
I can't watch "The Bachelor" anymore because they keep selecting guys who shouldn't need a reality show to find a wife. I liked the first two seasons when they were just nice looking guys who had normal jobs and seemed normal. Now the bachelors come on to become famous; they don't care about finding a soul mate. They want to break up with whoever they picked in the Final Rose episode and hook up with Kristin Cavalleri at a Sunset Strip club the next week. It's so easy to see through them. Like, this year's Bachelor is a rich Italian prince who can't speak Italian and went to Rollins College. It's like Joe Millionaire, only without the twist at the end. Why would I root for a fake prince to fall in love?
Instead of picking princes and quarterbacks, I think ABC should go in the other Pandora Charms UK direction. Maybe they're failed actors, I don't know. I agree. I'd like to see ABC pick a hot homeless guy as the next Bachelor. They could clean him up and introduce him to 25 girls at once. His whole life could change, right? Although he'd probably fall for three of them at the same time, settle on the slut with the biggest rack, give her a promise ring, then dump her the next week to hook up with Cavalleri. Forget it, this could never work.
I've seen "Devil Wears Prada" four times already: twice in the movies, then on both ends of a cross country flight last week. Bill couldn't understand why I would watch it four times so I tried to explain it to him. They don't make enough movies where there's a young girl who has no style and can't fit in, and then, as the movie goes along, she realizes you need to look the part to get ahead. So she finds somebody non threatening who's willing to help her understand how to dress and act, and the whole time, everyone's wearing great clothes, looking great and going to high society events. And by the end, she's cooler and more stylish than anyone in the movie. Pretty Woman worked the same way: Julia Roberts was a hooker with no style, then she found a billionaire boyfriend and a new wardrobe and everything turned out fine. I'm glad she fell in love and Authentic Pandora Rose Garden Clip (VV7298) Clearance UK it was a nice story, but I really liked her clothes more than anything, especially the brown dress she wore in the polo scene.
Bill joked that, if that's what I liked about these movies, then they should just keep remaking "Prada" in different environments. Like if, instead of a fashion magazine, they tried a high class gossip magazine, or a black fashion magazine, or a teen fashion magazine, or they could get out of the magazine industry and use an ad agency or a daytime TV show. It could be the same premise every time a young girl gets a job in a hectic workplace and has no style, people are mean to her and, eventually, she fits in and succeeds at her job even though she has an evil boss. Then she gets a promotion, falls in love and gets her revenge on everyone who thought she was worthless and didn't have any style. I thought this was a neat idea until Bill said he was kidding. But why is that a bad idea? Bill has something like 50 favorite sports movies and they're all the same movie somebody's an underdog, nobody believes in them, then they win the big game in the end. That's every sports movie. So how is that different than making my fashion movie premise 50 different ways? I think Bill is a hypocrite.
Me and two friends dressed up like "Deal or No Deal" models for a Halloween party last weekend. We bought silver suitcases and wore black dresses and wigs, although we didn't go super slutty or anything. Girls always used to use Halloween as an excuse to dress like total sluts. Now you don't need an excuse because it's OK to dress like a slut in any situation. If you plan on dressing like a cat or a nurse this weekend, or if you plan on wearing a push up bra with a shirt unbuttoned to your navel, just head to a club after the party and nobody will realize you're wearing a costume.
As for Bill, he was supposed to go as Howie Mandel, but his huge head couldn't fit into the bald cap we bought. So he wore a cowboy hat and cowboy shirt and went as a country western singer. Total cop out costume! He didn't even care that it didn't look like he cared. The year we started dating, Bill took me to Halloween H20 dressed up like Michael Myers and completely embarrassed me and freaked out everyone else in the theater, but I kind of liked that about him. Now he won't even spend five minutes thinking up a Halloween costume even though he knows I love Halloween. I don't get him sometimes.
So we went to the party and half the people put thought into their costumes, while the other half put their costumes together in 90 seconds like Bill did. There were some good ones but nothing really stood out. That got me thinking about my favorite Halloween costume: A few years ago, my friend Allie was a one night stand. She wore a black cocktail dress that was wrinkled and had some stains on it. She had a ripped stocking, broken heel, smudged lipstick and messed up hair like she just rolled out of someone else's bed. The whole night she paraded around with things falling out of her purse like she was in the middle of a walk of shame. It sounded like the funniest thing ever. This week I told Bill about Allie's costume and made the mistake of asking what his favorite Halloween costume was. He said it was the time his friend Geoff dressed as a poop. I guarantee that my second husband will appreciate Halloween.